Blunt Wit

So being a previous big-time, high-falutin executive and serial entrepreneur (not to be confused with serial killer) I know a thing or two about managing through tough times. So as we find ourselves swirling in the vortex of uncertain economic waters, I thought, “Why not share a few crumbs of knowledge, insight and wisdom as to thriving in chaotic times to a hungry crowd such as you.”

So whether you are CEO of Exxon, getting bloated on the pain and suffering of others, or just your own family, when the economy tanks you must learn to adapt. The first thing to do is to tighten your belt. Reduce your burn. Cut expenses:

1. As any good manager knows 70% of expenses are in headcount. So, if you’ve got a child under the age of 18 you can drop them off, permanently, at any Nebraska hospital under that state’s ‘safe haven’ law. This will vastly reduce your current and future outlays of cash. Just think, you can now use little Johnnie or Janie’s college fund to buy beer and a new widescreen to help you weather these turbulent times. Ah, and Greyhound even offers reduced one-way child fares direct to NE hospitals.
2. If you’ve got a mortgage don’t pay it. Live off the largesse of the US Gov’t teet. Nowadays Uncle Sam is altogether too squeamish about evicting folks so why be a patsy and pay your mortgage in full, on time. Just hold out for more favorable terms and reduce your debt burden away.
3. Visit the animal shelter often and cook more at home. Notice I’m not directly suggesting you fricassee Fido or parboil Pus’n’boots although they are excellent sources of protein for growing boys and girls. Just say it’s chicken if asked.
4. Visit your local hospital trash bin and pick up a pair of scrubs today. They come in all sorts of vibrant colors and can be worn around town. Just think of the inflated prestige you will feel as passers-by mistake you for a doctor.

So besides cutting your burn, the other sure-fire way to survive a recession is to create extra sources of income:

5. Convenience store robberies, while a bit risky, can help augment your funds. You need only a puffy jacket under which to fabricate a gun. Just pray the owner is not packing heat. And even if you subsequently get caught the resulting footage on Youtube might give you instant notoriety that you could easily translate into a talk show appearance (and cold hard cash).
6. If, like Sarah Palin, you have any kids around 18 years old you could ship them off to Iraq and pocket their monthly allowance. This has the added benefit of (1) above.
7. Pan handling is another way to make Starbucks money. Just hang out on a busy street corner and look pathetic. Badger passers-by incessantly until they drop loose change into your tin cup. Throw your vaunted pride out the window, it’s a recession silly.

Anyway, I hope you find these tips helpful. This recession, unlike previous ones, looks to be around for a while so I figure if at first you’re not convinced, you will be back!

Can you think of any other helpful family tips to help weather a recession?
How long do you think tough times will hang around?