Today I must finally assuage my conscious and confess my inveterate moral turpitude as for years I’ve been harboring a deep, dark secret. In short, I’ve been a bad boy.
The wellspring of my guilt occurred in the yingwo, or hard sleeper section, of a 35 hour train trip from Beijing to Hong Kong some years ago. I was traveling with my mother who had decided to visit China for the very first time and take advantage of the fact that her eldest son had been studying there for a year. He neglected to tell her he still couldn’t use chopsticks or even fly a kite properly.
Ah, and for the uninitiated, the accommodations on the train to Hell are more comfortable than your average yingwo.
Anyway, when we arrived at our assigned cubby hole there were folks huddled around the single fold down table puffing furiously on unfiltered cigarettes.
Ok my memory might be playing tricks on me. Let’s try again.
Anyway these two smokers barely noticed us through the haze as we piled into the upper bunks on either side. The shorter of the two wore black and sort of glared at the world through the shifty eyes of a possible serial killer. The other one had that dull stare of an unwitting accomplice. Together they scared me.
Once the train had pulled away the two men redoubled their smoking. My Mom, clearly in agony, looked across at me and said, “Tell them to stop smoking. I can’t breathe. And if you don’t, I WILL.” (Not that she could, as she only spoke the sliverest of Chinese and they didn’t speak even a wink of English).
Now I had a quandary. I had lived in China for a while and had various run-ins with these lawless types, impervious to any of the decorum that keeps a normal, polite society from falling to pieces. They would sooner kill you as spit on you. And there was the whole ‘face’ issue. You must never, ever cause such ruffians to lose face. So I wavered. And my mother suffered and seethed. She again threatened to take matters into her own hand when suddenly it came to me!
“Cough,” I said to her, “Loudly and often.”
She looked perplexed so I repeated my entreaty with maniac zeal.
“Cough. Cough. Cough.” She hacked.
I approached them nervously. I noticed the smaller man’s yellow, nicotine-stained fingers as he took a long, lazy drag.
“I apologize in advance,” I said in Chinese, “but the woman here is my mother and she has been afflicted with a bad case of Tuberculosis and your cigarette smoke is inflaming her raw, gnarled lungs.”
At that both men’s eyes grew wide with fright as they extinguished their cigarettes and rushed off to find a safer locale. Thus, we enjoyed the entire trip in relative smoke-free seclusion. My mother asked me what I said to them and I told her that I had simply asked politely that they not smoke as it bothered her.
To this day I have not confessed the fact I afflicted her with such a malevolent, spur-of-the-moment imaginary disease. I thought putting the story out there and confessing in the relative anonymity of the blogosphere would start the healing process. Sorry Mom.
Do you have any deep, dark secrets you to want to own up to and assuage your conflicted conscious?
20 Responses
Absolutely. Here it goes:
I’m sorry I wet the bed and told you. You were grossed out, and you’re right, I SHOULD have blamed the dog. It would have been much easier for us to handle…
lol
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 12:20 am
wetting the bed was a normal physiological response to your environment. However telling me/us cast serious doubt if not aspersion on your very own sanity.
;-P
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 12:33 am
[...] A Terrible Confession of an Imaginary Affliction “I apologize in advance,” I said in Chinese, “but the woman here is my mother and she has been afflicted with a bad case of Tuberculosis and your cigarette smoke is inflaming her raw, gnarled lungs.” At that both men’s eyes grew wide … [...]
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 12:36 am
Now our secrets cannot be secret if we tell you here JD. I’ll have to remember this blog. Twisting truth to benefit others; hmm.
Your mother was very brave to go to china to see you. How lucky you be. Does she know you wrote a blog about her?
Good night
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 1:17 am
You did your mama good JD!
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Good quick thinking! A little white lie is ok as long as it doesnt hurt anyone.
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I have faked a heart attack to get out of work early. But it was a really crappy job, and I really, really wanted to go home.
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 9:59 am
wow, a just a light heart attack i hope
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Your priest would be so ashamed!
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 11:38 am
if i had one, yes she would be …
wait, can women be priests?????
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Love your Blog so much I just had to add to my blogroll
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
muchos gracias
or i guess
xie xie
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
OK that was ingenious. And I love the part where they fled in fear of something that might damage THEIR health a lung disease, no less…not that SMOKING could kill them or anything. hahahaha Ack! Cough – Gasp…or that second hand smoke was harmless to others.
I like George Carlin’s comment on non smoking sections (bless him)
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
anyways….good one!
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
so i laughed out loud at the carlin quote
and yes … amazing since the cigs were unfiltered … little death sticks.
Posted on June 26th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Only my second trip here and I’m wondering how very much I’ve missed! I love your style!
And I agreed, you “did real good by your mama!” She’d be proud to know you’re a quick thinker (even if it did take you a while to figure it out LOL!)
Seriously, you should tell her – assuming she’s got your great sense of humor
(BTW, summarize.com isn’t loading??)
Posted on June 26th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
funny, i just used summarize two seconds ago
and yes
i actually had her read this before i published
she got a good laugh cause
she was there and remembered the adventure – details i had forgotten
Posted on June 26th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Yep you used it on my blog
Posted on June 26th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
[...] A Terrible Confession of an Imaginary Affliction [...]
Posted on June 26th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
You’d rather lie than get into a Chinese knife fight? Coward.
Sex Mahoney for President
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Hilarious! Are you related to Jonny Fairplay from Survivor?
Posted on June 29th, 2008 at 4:06 am
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