Blunt Wit

I have always been a bit of a cultural chameleon, taking on the hues of whatever environment I find myself in. I guess some would derisively say I change colors too readily, while others would beamingly suggest I have an overabundance of sticky enthusiasm.

But I guess if you change convictions like laundry detergent then how the hell do you maintain certitude? That is nowhere more apparent than religion.

I consider myself in that ever-widening ’spiritual but not particularly religious’ camp. I grew up, however, smack dab in the middle of the Judeo-Christian tradition. You know, the cinching bible belt of the South. I do believe there were more Baptist churches per square mile than people in my home town. In fact, I passed by one not long ago that had a ‘for sale’ sign out front. I wondered out loud,

“Does the congregation come with the building?”

Heck, I’d consider buying it just to have my own flock to shepherd. I couldn’t give’em hellfire and damnation but sure as heck could give them a good blog posting.

So forgive my religiously tinted meanderings.  Now to today’s rambling blog.

A while back we were camping in the mountains. Everyone got busy fishing or napping or doing whatever you do on a lazy weekend when I lit upon an idea that had been burning a hole in my soul since we first arrived. You see as we turned onto the road to the campground we passed a small makeshift enclosure with several really happy, wavy people standing behind two big igloo liquid containers and a sign that read “Free Ice Water!”

I wondered just what their shtick was … what were they up to? I mean, nobody just gives away free ice water for nothing, do they?

So to answer this question, I set off under a burning sun and hiked the several miles to their modest little stand. Once there I was met by Bruce and his companions. They were from the Baptist church just over yonder.

“The bible says that by ministering a man a cup of water you save a soul,” Bruce pinged at me.

“So start pourin and I’ll start savin!” I ponged back.

I proceed to gulp down 10 glasses of ice cold, spirit refreshing water.

On the walk back to our campsite my soul savin ways caught up with me and I had to duck into the underbrush to relieve myself. Back on the road, I thought, “Funny, they didn’t even preach or try to save my soul. They seemed to be more genuinely interested in quenching my thirst.” Real charity, I mused, comes (or is offered) with no strings attached.

So have you benefited from/perpetrated a charitable act recently? Details?

What religion do you consider yourself? One a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your faith?

I used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, a Just War, Righteous Politicians, Clean Non-steroidal Sports Heroes, True Love and the fact that Lemmings commit mass suicide by following each other off a cliff. So you can imagine my chagrin, my horror and my utter surprise to learn that the whole ‘Lemmings metaphor’ which I had heretofore always used as a reference for people who go along unquestioningly with popular opinion with potentially dangerous or fatal consequences is, yep, you guessed it folks, a myth, a fabrication, a lie of mammalian proportions.

It all started in a 1954 National Geographic article which showed massive numbers of lemmings jumping over Norwegian cliffs and then in 1955, when Disney illustrator Carl Barks drew an Uncle Scrooge adventure comic with the title: The Lemming with the Locket. This nascent suicide myth was further propagated by Walt Disney documentary White Wilderness in 1958 which includes footage of lemmings migrating and running head-long over a ledge. An investigation in 1983 by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s Brian ‘the original mythbuster Vallee, showed that the Disney film makers faked the entire sequence using imported lemmings (bought on eBay I think), a snow covered turntable on which a few dozen lemmings were forced to run, and literally tossing the poor beasts into the sea to show the alleged suicides. This myth was also witnessed in a German film – The Little Polar Bear (think an evil Knute) – in which a group of despondent lemmings were frequently viewed jumping, swan diving and jack knifing off various ledges.

Now that the ‘lemming myth’ has been denuded I am devastated. Really. It is amazing how one domino in life invariably topples the next. And before you know it your entire world is crumbling around you. I mean, what’s next? Politicians found to be taking steroids? A clean presidential election? Love and peace breaking out in Iraq? I mean, how the heck will we now communicate the notion of ‘blindly following a crowd to an uncertain demise’.

I know! Not one to cry over spilt mammals milk, let’s propagate another folk tale to replace the ‘lemming myth’. Another more convoluted and realistic one perhaps. How about the ‘Bush Fairy Tale’: to describe by inference a whole nation following a sitting president into an unwise war and a mismanaged occupation which destroys the collective good will of the world while spending several trillion dollars driving the nation into recession. Or maybe the ‘Clemmons Legend’ or the corollary ‘Bonds Fable’ where good people follow the example of their sports heroes to shoot up with human growth hormone to gain that extra edge and lie about it unconscionably. Note: would recommend not lying to a grand jury as that kind of thing has a nasty way of coming back to bite you in the arse.

Well, I have yet to be stripped of all of my innocence. Thank god I still believe in True Love. The love of my life still instills incurable passion in my breast, a fire in my imagination and blows a veritable breath of vigor into my sheeted sails!

Who or what is the true love of which I speak?
Have you ever lied? To a grand jury? Details, please.
What is your prognosis for the upcoming presidential election – quaint and cordial or ugly and venal?