Blunt Wit

His luck ran bad.  He had gone 1084 days without catching a fish.  Never mind that he hadn’t fished for the last 1083 days.  Today was the day his luck would change. 

He readied his trusty gear – nightcrawlers, slimy and earth brown, squiggling in their container, rods, tackle, explosives. He headed early to the pond with the boy, his son.  The day sparkled like a just windexed window.  The boy spoke first …
”So is Barry going to finally do it today.”

“Depends on whether or not he took a hit of his steroids beforehand or not.”

“I hope Barry creams it out of the park.”

The man smirked.

As they approached the pond they noticed a lone fisherman on the bank.  He cast his rod like a girl.  A loopy side arm action.  The man eyed him warily. 

”Caught anything?”

”A few shakers.  If you’re gonna use that fly rod you best head down to the docks where you can get a good cast off.”
So down the path they plodded.

At the turn of the pond they spied something in the water.  Too shallow for Nessie and wrong lake anyway.  Too big to be a motorized toy boat.  Ah, a yellow lab chasing ducks. 

”Damn dog’s gonna scare the fish away.  Odd luck all around!”

“It’s ok, we’ll catch ’em anyway.  You’re the best.”

So they found the dock.  The man stumbled in a hole just before the dock twisting his ankle in agony.   
”Damn old soccer injury!  My luck just doesn’t change does it?”

The boy looked down with compassion at his father wriggling in pain on the dock and said,  

“It’ll be alright.  You’ll see.  We’ll catch lots of fish today.”

So finally after baiting the hooks and casting they were fishing.  
Nothing.  Minutes bled into hours.  Still nothing.  The heat of the midday sun started bearing down on them.  Then suddenly a slight tug.  A hit!  The man jumped up and the boy started dancing with excitement.
 It took what seemed days to reel it in.  A fish so big as to make all others look tiny.  Indeed the man’s luck had changed. 

But just then the Warden walked up.

“Sir, your license?”

Holding the fish in one hand, the man mumbled,

”What … license?”

“Sir put the fish down in the pond and back away nice and easy.  You’re going to be fined for fishing without a license.”

So the man looked one last time at the brave, valiant fish and then set it free.

On the way back to the car they passed the girly caster, who asked,

“Catch anything?”

“Yes, we caught the biggest fish ever but the warden made us put it back,” blurted the boy.

He made a silly side arm cast laughing to himself.

When they reached the car the man reached for his camera.  
”Son, I want you to take a picture of me right here.”

“Why?”

“Cause I need to show some folks this here red shirt I’m wearing.”

”You mean your pink shirt?”

Crestfallen the man forced a smile.  They drove home together in silence. 

Are you a fan of Hemingway?  Favorite story/novel?  Who’s the greatest American author of all time in your opinion?
Ever go fishin?  Have any fish tales to share?
Ever feel bad luck following you like a dark cloud?

I am forever looking for the deepest meanings in words.  The layer below.  The strong undertow of implied meaning. Or that gentle tug on emotion.   Those lyric little beauties.  But sometimes it is the sheer whimsy of words that catches my breath. That breezy brush over the surface of life that flutters the heart and releases a big ole belly laugh.

Take for example the time I took my daughter to buy hiking boots for an upcoming school trip to Yosemite. As we pulled into the parking lot of the sports store, she looked across at an opposing shoe store and blurted out, “I wonder if they have any at that Shoe Pavy-lon over there.”  I failed to suppress my chuckle.  Being very smart, very quick and very sensitive she corrected herself immediately, “Shoe Pa-vill-yun.”  

Then playing short course golf with my young son (our bonding exercise of choice) on the 7th hole we came across a majestic white bird and he said, “Look at that egg-rhett.”  I stifled a laugh (as he is even more sensitive than his sister) and said, “I believe it’s pronounced Eee-gret.”  ”Nope. Egg-rhett,” he replied emphatically.  I realized the early stages of trench digging, the locking into a position no matter what the cost. So I dropped the subject and the ensuing putt and everyone left happy.

Being too lazy (i’m certain it was more of a sudden swoon of laconicity rather than my general nature) to walk the 20 feet across the room to pick up the phone and since I had my headset on and was sitting in front of my computer I decided to place a call home to my folks on Skype and catch up.  After a short conversation I casually mentioned I was calling on my computer.  My Mom perked up.  Her good friend from Israel, Dahlia, had recently asked her to get Skype so they could talk and she insisted I explain this strange and magical technology to her.  After running down the skinny, she said she would straight away get on ’snipe’.  ”Now, once again, that’s snipe dot com, right,”  she confirmed. I think she could hear my laughter all the way in Tennessee without the assistance of Snipe, uh, I mean Skype.  

Anyway, have you ever been snipe hunting? If not please let me know so I can explain it to you in detail. It is truly a once in a lifetime experience!

Also, do you have any whimsical stories about words gone awry or astray of their intended meanings? Please do share.

I recently read a statistic that more people had moved out of the great state of California than moved in over the past year.  This has gotten everyone from governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to my local paper boy nervous.  “What if you all move away, what happens to my route,” a young distraught Jeremy said to me the other day.  I reassured him that we, at least, would wait until after the next big earthquake before we ever bolted out of the state. 
 
So I thought to help out and write a public service blog trumpeting all the good things about California in the hope that some of you gentle readers will become enamored and move out here.  I even caught wind of a letter circulating in the Governor’s office with a proposal that he shake the hand of every newcomer upon arrival.  So besides all of the other wonderful advantages, you might even get to meet the Terminator himself!

So why leave the cold, wet, snowy, hot, humid environment where you currently live elsewhere and come to California you ask?  Well, in sunny CA you get the best weather in the country.  It does take some getting used to however.  Perfection, that is.  Sometimes it can grate on you.  Like some divine practical joke, for instance, the surrounding hills turn green in the winter.  Lush, verdant, in the Damn winter!  And when summer comes they toast brown and wither away (like plants do in the winter in the other 99% of the world).  Hence the constant threat of forest fires like the rager that is currently threatening hot bed of liberal values, Los Angeles! 

Another big advantage is the absurdly high cost of living. 
“How, JD, can that be an advantage,” I can hear you scratching you head and muttering? 
Simple, it keeps you hungry, motivated and lean.  Ever notice how many fit, sexy people there are in CA on the TV.   One reason is because food costs twice as much there as the rest of world.  And don’t get me started on housing.  That’s three times as much. 

However, that’s a good thing according to the ‘Koi theory’, a recent line of scientific thinking that holds that some people, like the eponymous fish, grow to fit their surroundings.  Thus buy a big house and you yourself will get subtly bigger.  Stuff yourself into a small box of a house and you stay small, fit and trim.  These key advantages to your physical health and sex life can’t be overlooked.

Another advantage is the multi-cultural smorgasbord that lives in CA.  It is soooooo convenient.  Let’s just say it’s the middle of the night and you absolutely, positively need to have that odd paragraph translated into Pashtun, Urdu, Chinese, Japanese, Romanian, Russian or Spanglish.  There is always someone hanging around the local Home Depot or Quickie mart that can help you.  Most likely for free.  It’s a veritable United Nations in sunny Californigh-yay.  In fact, in parts of LA your probability of catching a stray bullet are the same as, say, in Iraq.

And finally another point I hinted at in my opening.  Your proximity to the stars!  Since roughly 40% of the State works for Hollywood, the chance that you run into your favorite star while out and about runs very high.  Hell, just the other day I ran into Christian Bale’s gardener’s niece.  She fixed me a double mocha frappuccino AND gave me her autograph.  Cool! 

So how about it, are you sold?  Ready to move to the land of milk and honeys? 

So I got to cogitating the other day about blogs and blogging. I realized this phenomenon has become more than just a passing fad. I tried to distill the greatest benefits of blogging to mankind in my own mind. I got it down to two lofty contributions.

First, blogging rights the wrongs in society and makes the world a better, happier, and most of all, safer place. By the miracle of technology, bloggers transform into enlightened gadflies to the refuse of society. They make paparazzi look noble. I mean, I know fer sure that I am so much better off seeing that Britney’s pet cocker spaniel “Longfellow” threw up on her Manolos.

The other key benefit to blogging is commerce. Sites like eBay and Craigslist simply just don’t cut it – too big and impersonal. Bloggers, on the other hand, build quaint havens away from the crowds. Like little virtual corner stores of old. They have the distinct advantage of knowing their audience and their most intimate desires.

For instance, I know many of you are car buffs and thus I have decided to present you with a unique opportunity to buy my car.

This ’65 Chevy is a beaut.

I bought this screamer from a Grandmother who only used it to drive to church on Sundays so very low mileage. She runs great! And since windshield and windows are missing no need for air conditioning which just lowers your gas mileage anyway. I’m listing her for $999 but am willing to negotiate.

So tell me, what do you see as the biggest benefits of blogging?