Blunt Wit

So I gotz ta thinkin the other day that the Jihadists and Muslim fundamentalists seem to have cornered the market on suicide bombing as a method to furthering their political aspirations. This seems slightly unfair. Something drastic needs to be done to level the playing field.

So I thought to create a rival system and organization to recruit a new crop of self-destructors for the purpose of promoting hope and world peace. No more will we sit idly by while some devout crazies attempt to sew terror and foment anarchy. Nay, we will rise up and meet ka-boom with ka-boom! Will you consider joining my crusade to save the human race?

The notion of self sacrifice is as old as civilized man itself. Wherever there has been an imbalance of power the siren song of asymmetric warfare has called. The Palestinians ratcheted up the Intifada with the destructive force of human negation. Of course the granddaddy of the cause has been Al Queda. These jokers took it to new levels of heinousness. Their main goal is to suck hope out of this world. But we needn’t let them.

So all of this leads us full circle to the state of the world today. War, mayhem, and bad television cause tremendous human suffering everywhere. What are we, as individuals, to do? Is loving thy neighbor enough? Is donating money, time and energy to good causes enough? Isn’t there more that can be done? YES, I say!!!

Join the Suicide Bombers for Hope or SuBoHo today. Our competitive advantage over traditional suicide bombers will be our use of advanced undetectable yet powerful PETting or personal explosive technologies. Sexy huh? We’re talking C4 and sophisticated spread spectrum radio devices. You will be custom fitted to the nines. We want you to look really, really good when you go explode.

Your demise will detonate hope and goodwill everywhere. Of course, your goal will be to harm as few good – while giving the most joy to as many – people as possible. You’ll be like a giant roman candle, a fourth of July fireworks display for peace – striking a blow for amity over annihilation everywhere. Think of the good you could do.

While we will not be offering you 72 virgins in the afterlife, we will, in conjunction with Walmart (yet to be positively confirmed), be offering great discounts on merchandise for you and your immediate family.

So whatdaya say? Will you join SuBoHo today and spread a little incandescent hope and goodwill?

Have done anything out of the ordinary to promote peace and goodwill toward men?

So Obama pulled out a V in 2008 but there are plans afoot to return a Bush to the White House in 2012!

So now that the American people have voted an African American into office, it is timely to ask an equally compelling and in some ways more important question, “Are we ready for a Chimpanzee to be President of these United States?”

Please don’t laugh as this is a serious question that deserves serious consideration.
To begin our thoughtful analysis let us look at the current President of the United States, George W. Bush.  One of the most important qualifications for a President is that he or she have the native intelligence to solve knotty problems and ’make the tough decisions’.  I happen to be in possession of the top secret classified IQ test that was run on “W” upon his assuming the role of President.  This shows conclusively that ANY Chimpanzee (with the exception of the several of the more mentally retard ones) would have a much higher IQ and thus be MORE qualified than the man we elected twice in 2000 and 2004.

Next, a President must have the stature and carriage of a President (something majestic but just short of regal).  Thus, sorry to say, but in our 24 hour non-stop-media-saturated-image-is-everything world, looks matter.  Now our 39th President, Jimmy Carter had large ears and chimps have big ears so another point for the Chimpanzees.

And finally, the President must exude an animal charm AND not experience too much sexual tension.  We definitely don’t need an itchy finger on the trigger of our nuclear arsenal.  This is something our 42nd President knew only too well.  While some people burned with moral outrage at the Monica Lewinsky scandal there was a thick silver lining to that cloud.  Clinton got in touch with his baser instincts and the world was a safer place because of it.  If only “W” had such wisdom and carnal foresight.  Now, it is a scientific fact that Chimpanzees have been known to masturbate at least three times a day.  Even Bill in his heyday couldn’t match that pace.  Score yet another one for the Chimps.  Game, set and match.

Which leads us to the inevitable conclusion that indeed the White House IS ready for a Chimpanzee in 2012.  And in an even more shocking revelation, the 2012 Republican candidate will be a Chimp!
Yes, according to Jorge’s third cousin’s sister, Sasparilla, who also happens to be the daughter-in-law to Barbara Bush’s gardener, the elder Bush’s have already adopted and are literally grooming a Chimpanzee for the Presidency.  Yep, you heard it here first.  The next President of the United States of America will be a Bush.

How, you may ask, am I so certain that the primate Bush will sweep into the White House?  Simple, given that Obama has broken the mold, Americans are clearly ready for even bigger change in 2012.
I even hear Bush Jr. Jr. or “P” as he will undoubtedly come to be called, is so cock sure he’s going to win that he’s already considering potential appointees.  The name floated most notably so far is another famous ex-actor, Cheetah (of Tarzan fame) who is being considered for either the role of Vice President or Secretary of State.  I sure as heck would trust a Bush/Cheetah ticket more than I ever did Bush/Cheney. 

What do you think?  Is the US ready for a Chimp in the oval office? 

For those of you who don’t know the man …

The visagely intense Neel Kashkari is the wunderkind that Treasury Secretary Paulson appointed Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability. In this role, he heads the Office of Financial Stability, the office set up to buy troubled financial assets from U.S. financial firms under the $700 billion U.S. Government Troubled Assets Relief Program. He’s the man with the plan. The grand pooh-bah for dubya. The dude who’s going to single handedly rescue Capitalism from the clutches of evil and save the world as we know it.

Anyway, I thought given the overwhelming magnitude of his task I would write him an open letter and offer some sage yet practical advice …

Dear Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability Kashkari,

Felicitations on being named head of the Office of Financial Stability. Couldn’t have happened to a more stand up guy. If anyone can save the capitalist system from collapse, it is a hot-shot 35 year old rocket scientist turned Goldman Sachs money wizard from Akron, Ohio. I am reminded of the saying, “It takes a thief to catch a thief.”

After feeding Bear Sterns to the bears at JPMorgan, proffering up an $85 billion liquidity facility for AIG, taking over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and letting the Brothers Lehman go bankrupt, your boss finally got his chicken little on and cried the sky was falling. The subsequent passage of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 put a cool $700B of taxpayer funmuny into your lap.

Your boss told congress that you would come up with a comprehensive strategy that is both immediate and specific and would have broad impact to stabilize the economy and improve liquidity. His buddy, Bernanke, further said your plan would pump up investor confidence and have positive impact on the broader economy and GDP.

So I know you’re trying to figure the best way to spend that money and save the world (economy). At first you proposed using your monopoly money to buy up illiquid mortgage backed securities (MBS) with the intent to reduce potential losses encountered by those same financial institutions you used to work with. You do realize in any other universe, the whole financial instrument ponzi scheme these institutions ginned up would be illegal. Hell, it goes without saying it was unethical. Now you’ve abandoned even that idea and are looking at cash infusions into the top banks (who also happen to be the top offenders).

So before you go a givin all that money to the idiots who got us into this fine mess in the first place, I’ve got an even spiffier idea, one that better aligns with aforementioned stated criteria for the bailout plan.

Given your high-falutin Wharton education you know that $700B works out to be a little over $2000 per taxpayer. So just think, for $2000 you could outfit each and every man, woman and child in America their very own virtual reality iglasses.

These award-winning Head Mounted Display Image Monitors are used by the United States Navy, NASA and porn aficionados alike. They give their users a delicious 70 inch HDTV experience.

Just think of the possibilities. Joe six pack, Joe the plumber, hell, even Joe the investment banker no longer need angst about our deteriorating economic conditions. They can just veg out to the latest movies or escapist TV. Hell, who needs reality when they can have virtual reality!

This, of course, will also create incredible economic activity in Hollywood as they drum up newer, stupider, happier pap for their virtually real audience. Everyone can star in his or her own reality TV series. Everyone can be the center of his or her own virtual universe. Everyone can do his or her part to help bailout the financial system by simply wishing the mortgage crisis never happened.

My proposal is both immediate and specific and would have broad impact to stabilize the economy and improve liquidity. It would clearly pump up virtual investor confidence and have seemingly positive impact on the broader economy and GDP. It would restore the hegemony of capitalism while simultaneously exploiting America’s greatest national treasure: Hollywood!

So do you have any bright ideas to solve the financial crisis and rescue capitalism?

Disclosure: author holds 45% ownership stake in Ultimate3DHeaven, makers of iglasses, but this fact in no shape or fashion colors his analysis.

Looking over my recent Blog postings a clear pattern of silliness and disdain for facts emerges. I feel myself being made fun of, mocked for my inane ramblings and pigeon-holed as a one dimensional ‘humorist Blogger’ by the serious Blog community.

So I’ve decide to change all of that here today and show everyone once and for all that I have ‘Blogging range’ and can write about serious, technical subjects that matter as well. I too can incite real passions and make cutting edge revelations that educate and enlighten. I too can expose corruption at the highest level and right the wrongs of society!

What I’m about to write is highly sensitive and confidential and could damage national security if it got into the wrong hands so please keep it to yourself.

I have recently become an anonymous test subject in a top secret government experiment. I decided to release my own test results here because it is becoming increasing apparent the government just plans to cover up the entire project like McCain’s womanizing past.

It all began in Peter Pan’s office. (He’s my dentist and I think he’s originally from Hong Kong.) I’m not kidding, that’s really his name. Apparently Walt X, one of his patients who will remain incognito because I think in real life he’s a porn star, left a copy of the test procedures on the waiting room table and thank god I, as opposed any other riff raff who might have come along, found it. Truth be told, I don’t even know this Walt X character but he must not be overly trustworthy if he let such an important document fall out of his possession.

This document was fascinating. It outlined a specific test procedure and hinted at an amazing discovery. We’ve been taught since high school biology that we each have 23 chromosomes. For some of us the 23rd happens to be XX, others XY and still others, say if you’re in the porn industry like Walt, for example, XXX. But what if I told you that in some people there was actually a mysterious 24th chromosome! Yes, they’ve identified this illusive chromosome as the ‘H chromosome’.

I have become obsessed with this ‘H chromosome’. I have done extensive research on the topic. What I uncovered is highly disturbing. Obscure scientists writing in an obscure journal (I’m sorry I’ve forgotten the title as it was some long unpronounceable technical jargon) stated that this mysterious chromosome is found in certain individuals while lacking in others.

Returning to the paper, it also outlined previous recent experiments on a range of test subjects that positively confirmed the existence of the ‘H chromosome’. While it is particularly prevalent in fishermen, there is also high incidence rate reported in pubescent girls, zealous lab rats and CEO’s.
The paper also outlined very explicit and confidential testing procedure. It gave the address of a local testing site, “The Sports Page” in Mountain View. I went there and gave the secret password, “Give me a test tube baby.” Thereupon I was served a creamy, viscous test elixir. And don’t you worry there were no real test tube babies harmed in the process that I know of. I would not recommend this test for the faint of heart. The foul magma burned as it went down.

Following the procedure further, I repeated the process several times and recorded the following results.
(X) Test subject begins to feel dizzy
(X) Test subject speech slurs
(X) Test subject tries to kiss neighbor’s wife (or husband)
(X) Test subject exaggerates the size of various body parts
(X) Test subject dances on the table
( ) Test subject arrested

I did not check the final box as to my knowledge I was not arrested but things did get a little fuzzy towards the end of the experiment and I woke up at home the next day with a terrible headache.
According to the results I tested positive for the ‘H Chromosome.’ This has me worried. But so far scientists are unsure as to the extent of any negative symptoms resulting from the ‘H Chromosome.’ There is common consensus, however, that there is very little upside to being afflicted with it.

This is big folks. I think the government is wrong to put a lid on this. People with this chromosome have a right to know. Any and all comments to this Blog will form the basis of a petition to the government. Your support to get this heinous cover up out in the open would be greatly appreciated!

For you cybersleuths reading this, what does the ‘H’ in the “H Chromosome” stand for?

Reacting quickly to the news that Bob Barr, once firebrand Georgian Republican, is running for President as the Libertarian candidate, the GOP has taken drastic measures and contracted Karl Rove to put together an exploratory committee for a Barak Obama run for President. The GOP brain trust has begun to worry that the Barr candidacy will split the vote for John McCain thus possibly costing him the upcoming Presidential election. So under the leadership of Rove, they are working to put Barak Obama on the ticket as the Freedom Party candidate. Note, Barak Obama bears no relation to presumptive Democratic presidential candidate, Barack Obama.

The freedom party is indirectly related to the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and on paper is a legitimate political party with the right to run a candidate in the upcoming Presidential election. Barak Obama is the new name that actor Ezekiel Frankel, who played the erstwhile Obama on last week’s Saturday Night Live political sketch, has recently adopted legally. Apparently his fiery rhetorical message of hope and change had a powerful effect on political consultant Karl Rove, who incidentally was responsible for the whisper campaign started during the 2000 Presidential primary in South Carolina that Bridget, the young girl that John McCain and his wife Cindy had adopted from Mother Theresa’s orphanage in Bangladesh, was, in fact, an illegitimate African American ‘love-child’ that subsequently derailed the McCain candidacy.

It is widely believed that Rove intends to dupe a gullible United States populace into splitting the vote between the two Obama’s as it has been proven that the average American can’t spell. Unofficial word from the Obama campaign suggests that there may yet be another candidate, Jon McCain, gumming up the field of the upcoming Presidential election.

So they say a Libertarian is a Republican with a bong. Would you consider yourself a donkey, an elephant or a bong?
I’m so not looking forward the shrill negativity that precedes any US Presidential election. Can someone wake me on November 5th. Is there anything redeemable about presidential elections?

According to well placed Republican sources, Sasha and Malia,

the daughters of Democratic presumptive nominee Barack Obama have formed a nascent political group entitled “Swift Kids for Truth.” They are charging that the Presidential hopeful is unfit to serve as President based upon his alleged willful distortion of his conduct as father during their short lives.

Barack Obama has built his entire campaign around his openness to change. He stands tall as the candidate who embraces positive transformation in the grubby, attack-minded politics that pervades Washington. In public he welcomes dissent as healthy expression of personal values. At home, however, he is a virtual tyrant according to his daughters.

He doesn’t allow them to watch TV past 10pm causing serious mental distress. He also refuses to buy them their favorite Jamba Juice smoothies upon request resulting in severe dehydration. Young minds need liquid refreshment to grow strong and agile. His willful disregard for the wellbeing of his own daughters is finally being exposed thus challenging his qualifications as President.

Sasha, as chief spokeskid for SKFT, has stated that Barack Obama’s exaggerated claims about his own service as father has compelled her to step forward. She further elaborated that his criticism of fathers was a “betrayal of trust” with other kids, and that by his activism he had caused direct “harm” to all kids living at home.

Washington insiders seem to discount the activities of SKFT noting that by grounding his daughters indefinitely Barack Obama could effectively curtail the group’s effectiveness.