All hail to the chief! And by that I mean me. Father and commander-in-chief of the state of my own family. Or so I would like to believe.
So please pause a moment in silence as we mourn the passing of a member of our family. Young Tommy died recently of thirst or hunger or a myriad of other possible illnesses. Or possibly an overzealous door slam. And I killed him. Or at least that is what my wife and children say.
Tommy was our pet hamster. He was just another in a long line of hapless animals to mysteriously kick the proverbial bucket under my watchful eye. I didn’t kill him. I swear it. My wife took the kids to visit the in-laws and left me to take care of things. One of those chiefly being the well being and continued existence of Tommy. But somehow he escaped. Poof, one day he was just gone. An empty cage. A little hamster Houdini. Darn, I knew I should have cuffed him to his miniature flywheel while I went to work. Too late. Anyway, a week or so after they got back we found him wedged behind a door. My kids called for an impeachment - hamster autopsy but the judge ruled I, as next closest of kin, could determine the COD (cause of death). So I pronounced it poor hamster suicide and we buried him in a shoebox in the back yard next to Lester the goldfish, yet another unfortunate casualty that I had nothing to do with (or at least directly).
Of course this ‘Tommy incident’ just managed to dredge up all the ill will from the previous ‘Lucky incident’ all those years back. Then we were living in Beijing and to keep up with the Joneses (or in this case the Wang’es) we bought a pet bird. Not just any bird, mind you, but some rare, talking squawker. We named the unlucky avian, Lucky. Talk about irony. He would squawk in his pigeon Chinese … ‘Qu ba’, ‘Qu ba’ which can be translated as ‘go’ or more colloquially as ‘go take a long walk off a short pier’. This he told you to do constantly. After a week of sleepless nights of endless squawking, I tried to convince my wife we needed to eat fried chicken-like bird for dinner. A sympathetic friend eventually taught us how to put a cloth over the cage to shut Lucky up thus sparing his life for the time being.
So like with the current ‘Tommy incident’ my wife took the kids to see the in-laws and left me in charge. Well, wouldn’t you know, I come home from work one day to find Lucky claws up on the bottom of his cage. On the positive side, I did notice that he had a pleasant look on his beak so I have to believe he had a peaceful passing. I’m guessing stress induced heart attack … the number one killer in talking birds (or so I’m told). I went down to the market to buy a replacement bird, thinking I could fool them into thinking that some bizzarro Lucky was somehow the real deal. No luck(y). So again there were calls for my resignation as father, my impeachment as chief caregiver in our household. However, like Bush/Cheney, it would take more than a few innocent causalities to get me to acknowledge my mistakes. So we stayed the course. Surged ahead and got a golden retriever puppy.
I guess that’s why our dog Jasmine these days is always eying me with deep canine suspicion. Dreadfully afraid for the next time my wife takes the kids to visit the in-laws.
17 Responses
Ah, so love, love this blog. Makes me think
of sooooooooooo many pets and their sad sad deaths…
The worst was ah, i forget now…anyhow..great blog..
woof woof
Posted on April 23rd, 2008 at 11:29 pm
yes if you’ve lived any
you’ve experience the sadness of pet passing!
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Ahhhhhhh, I remember this story about Tommy….along with another one about how you tried to kill Jasmine, or how she got lost or something like that, and why you’re not safe around the family pets. As a family member I’d be giving you the eye, too
ps. I almost replied as ‘JD’ to woof woof above me. When I clicked the link to the blog from my email, it automatically logged me in as you, I guess I have cookies from logging in last night. I’m going to have to watch out for that.
All hail, chief!
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 5:13 am
i NEVER attempted to kill jasmine
(that i will admit to)
gotta watch rogue cookies
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Ha! Your wife should also take the pets with her when visiting the in-laws.
Not that you would ever hurt them (I mean)… but you known, simply for a change of scenery.
Nicely worded personal blurb about yourself.
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:09 am
ah thanks and yes all pets have slapped a restraining order on me … not to come within 200 ft.
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:10 am
It’s ok JD… I’m with Lucky now in pet heaven. It’s not your fault… it was just my time to go.
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:24 am
you are evil
just plain evil
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:33 am
I’m w/ Evgeniya - they shoulda taken him with.
I’m sure he was just on a mission to find the lost family. No doubt, whilst lurking in the shadows he eavesdropped that they had left willingly, thus breaking his heart and causing and early demise.
rip Tommy
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:53 am
yes RIP
poor poor Tommy
(commenting from the great beyond you might notice)
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Oh, that is soooo sad! He was probably LOOKING for food and/or water and wedged himself in the door OR was simply running from you!
Maybe, just maybe, you should be banned from taking any kind of care of the family animals and make the kids do it!
Your poor dog. He’s probably thinking he’s next.
Why don’t you get a Tamagotchi? (google it) I got one for makenzie and it is teaching her she needs to take care of her pets or they’ll die because her little gothchi’s died and she cried her head off (there IS a restart button) But I told her that’s what happens when you don’t take care of your real pets that DON’T have a re-start button …
OR you should just be banned from the animals :))
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
yes i had a tamagotchi
but i killed it
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
My dad once babysat - once - for a family that had a pet parakeet (had) and it tried to fly through a swinging door - that swung back, before the bird, well….
Sometimes accidents happen.
And I still don’t know why my pet turtle always went to the northernmost corner of my room whenever he got out…animals live mysterious lives.
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
RIP Tommy!! I had a friend who once had a bird… One day the bird was flying around the house enjoying life. Unfortunately, the mom was cooking soup in the kitchen. I guess the bird was hungry because he took a little dive… in the soup… YUCK!
I guess what I’m sayin’ is that it coulda been worse! lol!
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
bet he tasted like chicken
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Do you have a black cloud with animals or something? Are you sending subliminals with this animal thing? I use to think I knew you but hmmmm….
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
subliminally insane i think
Posted on April 24th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
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