Blunt Wit

Have you ever been tongue tied, rendered mentally or emotionally vacant; found yourself searching, praying for an excuse for your own insouciance?
Well, I have.
And to assist you in coming up with that ‘just so’ pretext for any transgression, big or small, I have decided to give up a few of my exculpatory gems for your general use.
Behind this veritable curtain of charitable largesse lies no small amount of guilt at my lack of blogging consistency these past few weeks. I have been AWOL, MIA, and unplugged from the world at large. You might think I ran off to some distant ashram. And you might be right. I wouldn’t want to misdirect any rationalizations you might be self-generating, imagining if you will, in your fertile imagination.
Truth be told, I was …
1. Abducted by aliens.

This is good because it is generally unprovable and establishes you as bit of a nut job. Once you establish this precedent you can use it over and over with relative impunity. The downside is you lose valuable street cred as a responsible human being.

2. Receiving a guided tour of Gitmo.

If my name, Joe Blow (note, changed here to protect my true identity), makes the terrorist watch list (which sadly, it does) then you can easily claim that yours does too. This way any random airport screening or innocent traffic infraction can result in a special rendition where are whisked off the sunny Cuba for a ‘debriefing’. In this day and age who would not believe you had your basic rights trampled in the name of the GWOT.

3. In a drug (or alcohol) induced fog.

Use this when life has dragged you into the gutter and your only coping mechanism is chemically induced euphoria. Think of it as the excuse of movie stars! You can further imply that you went to some faraway ‘treatment center’ and got all better. The beauty of this one is the well documented relapse.
So I hope you find my excuses valuable. Remember, two wrongs don’t ever make a right, but they make a damn good excuse.

What’s your best excuse? Did it work?
Have you ever been abducted by aliens, whisked to Gitmo, or lost to a chemical fog before?