So on a recent flight I felt queasy and slid the little white bag out of the seat pouch in front of me and drew it to my mouth.
This sent my two seat mates into rapid, perpendicular leans away from me. No feigned concern registered on their faces. Just abject terror. As the spasm subsided, I figured I might as well milk it and spent the next few moments moaning theatrically.
Finally, the woman to my right, a tastefully dressed, frizzy haired blonde with a vacuous stare and slippery black boots managed to find her tongue.
“Are you OK?”
“Musta been the salmon mousse.”
“Huh?”
“I’m fine, really.”
The businessman on the aisle had the hardened look of a wronged road warrior.
A barfer. I was his worst nightmare personified.
I could see him frantically scanning for an empty seat, however, being a full flight he unfurled a monster scowl
he had probably perfected from years of his wife’s relentless hen-pecking.
Around this time I felt something kicking me through the back of my flimsy chair. At first it felt a bit like a tickle. But after several minutes of incessant booting I managed to twist a view of the young girl behind me merrily pedaling her little feeties into the chair in front of her. She kept this up the entire flight and after an interminable passage of time, I began to empathize with pregnant women the world round.
Then I noticed something on the bag.
It read Patent 7041042. Damn, some son of a britch somewhere is collecting a check every time one of those bags swells up with barf. What a life. Getting rich off the misfortune of others. (Well, sounds like most of the successful business models of the world!)
Which got me to thinking. What simple device could I patent that harvests others’ pain for my own personal gain? What invention would allow me to sit back and rake in the bucks on the backs of other poor schmucks?
And then it hit me.
A kid taser!
No, I’m not talking about a Mattelesque taser FOR kids, but rather a souped-down version to use ON kids. Just think. I could have zapped goody miss two shoes behind me and enjoyed relative peace and bliss the entire trip. She would have gotten just a minor shock and her parents would have been glad to have her unconscious for the duration. There is no end to the potential uses. Teachers, parents, aggrieved travelers can all zonk unruly tykes into stunned obedience.
Now to file my patent.
So do you have a horrible travelers tale to tell?
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Aug 28, 2008 at 10:48:50
If you patent that taser, you’ll be contributing to my philosophy that kids really do have it easy these days.
When it comes to dealing with insubordinate brats, there’s nothing quite like a sturdy cattle prod.
Aug 29, 2008 at 00:24:07
A kid taser? Reminds me of the time I considered putting one of those barking collars on my beagle… My husband said I’d have to wear it first before I could put it on old snoopy… Yeah he kept on annoying the neighbors upstairs for 6 months.
Aug 29, 2008 at 03:14:02
I’ve always wanted to throw up on an airplane. I think I’ll do that next time.
Sex Mahoney for President
Aug 29, 2008 at 09:14:07
Love the idea of the kid taser but I am with the cattle prod up there. LOL
Wish I could come up with some unique idea for a patent.
got a travel story but it will have to keep till after the weekend.
then you will have to come read it at my blog (wink)
Nov 16, 2008 at 13:44:06
>>>I began to empathize with pregnant women the world round.
So, did you also empathize with the pregnant man? If so, he got his vagina pregnant again.