JD

RSS Subscribe
Over the course of his lifetime JD has been a traveling circus freak, an idiotic savant, an ersatz entrepreneur, a start-up CEO and a wannabe writer. Hence, like most bloggers worth their salt, he has been known on occasion to bend the truth for dramatic effect. He believes in life, liberty and the pursuit of blunt wit.
Aug
28th

Patent trouble

Author: JD | Files under Present Humor Blogs

So on a recent flight I felt queasy and slid the little white bag out of the seat pouch in front of me and drew it to my mouth.
Photobucket

This sent my two seat mates into rapid, perpendicular leans away from me. No feigned concern registered on their faces. Just abject terror. As the spasm subsided, I figured I might as well milk it and spent the next few moments moaning theatrically.

Finally, the woman to my right, a tastefully dressed, frizzy haired blonde with a vacuous stare and slippery black boots managed to find her tongue.
“Are you OK?”
“Musta been the salmon mousse.”
“Huh?”
“I’m fine, really.”

The businessman on the aisle had the hardened look of a wronged road warrior.
A barfer. I was his worst nightmare personified.
I could see him frantically scanning for an empty seat, however, being a full flight he unfurled a monster scowl
Photobucket
he had probably perfected from years of his wife’s relentless hen-pecking.

Around this time I felt something kicking me through the back of my flimsy chair. At first it felt a bit like a tickle. But after several minutes of incessant booting I managed to twist a view of the young girl behind me merrily pedaling her little feeties into the chair in front of her. She kept this up the entire flight and after an interminable passage of time, I began to empathize with pregnant women the world round.
Photobucket

Then I noticed something on the bag.
It read Patent 7041042. Damn, some son of a britch somewhere is collecting a check every time one of those bags swells up with barf. What a life. Getting rich off the misfortune of others. (Well, sounds like most of the successful business models of the world!)
Which got me to thinking. What simple device could I patent that harvests others’ pain for my own personal gain? What invention would allow me to sit back and rake in the bucks on the backs of other poor schmucks?
And then it hit me.
A kid taser!
Photobucket
No, I’m not talking about a Mattelesque taser FOR kids, but rather a souped-down version to use ON kids. Just think. I could have zapped goody miss two shoes behind me and enjoyed relative peace and bliss the entire trip. She would have gotten just a minor shock and her parents would have been glad to have her unconscious for the duration. There is no end to the potential uses. Teachers, parents, aggrieved travelers can all zonk unruly tykes into stunned obedience.
Now to file my patent.

So do you have a horrible travelers tale to tell?

Popularity: 10% [?]

25 responses. Wanna say something?

  1. Qelqoth
    Aug 28, 2008 at 10:48:50
    #1

    If you patent that taser, you’ll be contributing to my philosophy that kids really do have it easy these days.

    When it comes to dealing with insubordinate brats, there’s nothing quite like a sturdy cattle prod.

  2. betty
    Aug 29, 2008 at 00:24:07
    #2

    A kid taser? Reminds me of the time I considered putting one of those barking collars on my beagle… My husband said I’d have to wear it first before I could put it on old snoopy… Yeah he kept on annoying the neighbors upstairs for 6 months.

  3. Sex Mahoney
    Aug 29, 2008 at 03:14:02
    #3

    I’ve always wanted to throw up on an airplane. I think I’ll do that next time.

    Sex Mahoney for President

  4. Wendy
    Aug 29, 2008 at 09:14:07
    #4

    Love the idea of the kid taser but I am with the cattle prod up there. LOL
    Wish I could come up with some unique idea for a patent.
    got a travel story but it will have to keep till after the weekend.
    then you will have to come read it at my blog (wink)

  5. David
    Nov 16, 2008 at 13:44:06
    #5

    >>>I began to empathize with pregnant women the world round.

    So, did you also empathize with the pregnant man? If so, he got his vagina pregnant again.

20 Trackback(s)

  1. Aug 28, 2008: Critical Mass » Patent trouble
  2. Aug 28, 2008: Modano Journal » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  3. Aug 28, 2008: Core Of Lamerix » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  4. Aug 28, 2008: Book Worm » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  5. Aug 28, 2008: Be Not Idle » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  6. Aug 28, 2008: Patent trouble at Clinging to the Barque of Peter
  7. Aug 28, 2008: An Examined Life » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  8. Aug 28, 2008: Core Of Lamerix » Patent trouble
  9. Aug 28, 2008: Faith of a Child » Patent trouble
  10. Aug 28, 2008: Exhaling » Patent trouble
  11. Aug 28, 2008: Happy Mamma » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  12. Aug 28, 2008: Up and Down » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  13. Aug 28, 2008: my blog » Patent trouble
  14. Aug 28, 2008: Blessings » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  15. Aug 28, 2008: Patent trouble at You and Me
  16. Aug 28, 2008: In Touch » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  17. Aug 28, 2008: Day By Day » Blog Archive » Patent trouble
  18. Aug 28, 2008: Always Advent » Patent trouble
  19. Aug 28, 2008: Living Monstrance » Patent trouble
  20. Aug 28, 2008: Patent trouble — Knights Walk in the Kingdom

Post a Comment