Blunt Wit

So Obama pulled out a V in 2008 but there are plans afoot to return a Bush to the White House in 2012!

So now that the American people have voted an African American into office, it is timely to ask an equally compelling and in some ways more important question, “Are we ready for a Chimpanzee to be President of these United States?”

Please don’t laugh as this is a serious question that deserves serious consideration.
To begin our thoughtful analysis let us look at the current President of the United States, George W. Bush.  One of the most important qualifications for a President is that he or she have the native intelligence to solve knotty problems and ’make the tough decisions’.  I happen to be in possession of the top secret classified IQ test that was run on “W” upon his assuming the role of President.  This shows conclusively that ANY Chimpanzee (with the exception of the several of the more mentally retard ones) would have a much higher IQ and thus be MORE qualified than the man we elected twice in 2000 and 2004.

Next, a President must have the stature and carriage of a President (something majestic but just short of regal).  Thus, sorry to say, but in our 24 hour non-stop-media-saturated-image-is-everything world, looks matter.  Now our 39th President, Jimmy Carter had large ears and chimps have big ears so another point for the Chimpanzees.

And finally, the President must exude an animal charm AND not experience too much sexual tension.  We definitely don’t need an itchy finger on the trigger of our nuclear arsenal.  This is something our 42nd President knew only too well.  While some people burned with moral outrage at the Monica Lewinsky scandal there was a thick silver lining to that cloud.  Clinton got in touch with his baser instincts and the world was a safer place because of it.  If only “W” had such wisdom and carnal foresight.  Now, it is a scientific fact that Chimpanzees have been known to masturbate at least three times a day.  Even Bill in his heyday couldn’t match that pace.  Score yet another one for the Chimps.  Game, set and match.

Which leads us to the inevitable conclusion that indeed the White House IS ready for a Chimpanzee in 2012.  And in an even more shocking revelation, the 2012 Republican candidate will be a Chimp!
Yes, according to Jorge’s third cousin’s sister, Sasparilla, who also happens to be the daughter-in-law to Barbara Bush’s gardener, the elder Bush’s have already adopted and are literally grooming a Chimpanzee for the Presidency.  Yep, you heard it here first.  The next President of the United States of America will be a Bush.

How, you may ask, am I so certain that the primate Bush will sweep into the White House?  Simple, given that Obama has broken the mold, Americans are clearly ready for even bigger change in 2012.
I even hear Bush Jr. Jr. or “P” as he will undoubtedly come to be called, is so cock sure he’s going to win that he’s already considering potential appointees.  The name floated most notably so far is another famous ex-actor, Cheetah (of Tarzan fame) who is being considered for either the role of Vice President or Secretary of State.  I sure as heck would trust a Bush/Cheetah ticket more than I ever did Bush/Cheney. 

What do you think?  Is the US ready for a Chimp in the oval office? 

Some days I hanker for simpler existence. You know, a life afloat in a sea of middle class ennui, unmoored ambitions, and Starbucks iced tea. Do you?

Yet for some cosmic unknown reason, I’m a magnet for high drama and complication. I can mutate the most innocuous of situations into danger and intrigue.

Take my recent road trip to the Tarheel state for instance. That day the sky had the distinct look of the opening sequence of the Simpsons: whipped cream fluffs of clouds dappling a sky blue horizon. Fall hung lightly in the air, the ups and downs of hilly trees lining I-40 all acrispining golden hues, fiery reds and chocolate browns.

We were all lulled into a false sense of happiness. Little did we know what awaited us over the next hill, the upcoming dale? Maybe we should have paid attention to the signs. First there was an exit for Batcave, NC. Is there a Gotham City in North Carolina? Anyway, I began to feel like God was a messin with me cause the next exit was Mocksville.

Shortly thereafter we rolled into the Piedmont Triad area. I always knew China had a big issue with organized crime but never considered they were a pernicious problem here in the U.S., especially in rural North Carolina. Next we came upon the Yakin Pee-Dee river basin and I got an unnatural urge to talk and pee at the same time.

Then I noticed a tan expedition bearing down on us ominously. I clipped along at a healthy 74 explaining the ten mph rule to my daughter, “Just so long as you keep at nine miles per hour under the speed limit you’ll never be caught.” She was the first to notice the SUV passing us was an unmarked police car. So there began a dangerous game of cat and mouse.

On moment slick willy copper was ahead of me.

The next I would find myself unconsciously accelerating past 75 and he would come roaring up from behind causing me to hit the brakes setting off red brake lights of guilt and shame.

Just then we passed a truck that had “To walk on water you have to jump out of the boat” stenciled on it’s side. This just fed into my growing sense of invincibility. Distracted by a fascinating story on NPR about ‘sex lives of sloths’ I nonchalantly passed 80mph. The next thing I knew lights were aflashin on the damnable tan expedition behind me. I started to move over conceding abject defeat. And he just roared past me. Thank God for small mercies.

So have you ever been pulled over for speeding?
Do you ever hanker for a simpler existence?
Ever traveled on I-40? Ever notice they are endlessly fixing that damnable road?

This idea came to me the other night as I was serving Cheerios to my kids for dinner. You see being a blogger and an entrepreneur setting out to change the world you sometimes miss those simple pleasures in your life. Like food. Thereupon it hit me. Why not blog for food.

Don’t dismiss my idea out of hand. First hear me out.

Let’s say you’ve wracked your brain and can’t think of that just-so gift for your daughter’s (posit wife, husband or significant other as the case may be) impending birthday. Why not give her a personalized Blog? Just send me her vital stats: is she fat or thin, neurotic or normal, blonde or brunette, cat or dog person, etc.? And I will then write the best damn Blog about (or for) her. Think of what this will do for her self-esteem. I bet she’ll be the talk of the town and even more popular amongst her friends.

Or, let’s say you’re fed up with your ex and you want a scathing expose of all his or her faults. Just send me the laundry list and I’ll concoct a lethal mix of half truths and innuendo that would make our erstwhile, randy former President Clinton or even Lindsay Lohan blush.

And if you just happen to be a corporate bigwig reading this, well, I can help you too! I personally believe one can never have too many ring-tones, washing machines or whatever the heck you’re peddling. You just tell me what product you’re foisting onto the unsuspecting public and I will plug it shamelessly.

The quo to my quid is quite simple. I will send you the logon info for my Safeway.com* account. Then, much like a bridal registry you go in and select the quantities of the food I have pre-selected as my favorites and have them delivered to my home. Kind of like dropping a few coins into an indigent pan handler’s cup. Except with the added benefit that you never have to look into my eyes. Easy peasy.

What do you think?

*The local supermarket akin to Krogers, A&P, Piggly Wiggly, Tom Thumb, Star Market, etc.