Blunt Wit

Go and catch a falling rock star,

Immaculately conceive with some ganja
,
Tell me how many dead brain cells there are
,
Or who invited the Devil’s last hurrah,

Teach me to hear mermaids kvetching
,
Or to keep away envy’s retching,

And find what wind serves to cloud an honest mind
,
If thou be’est born to kinky sights,

Things risible to see
,
Be ridden a hundred times in seven days and nights,

Till exhaustion ages pubic hairs on thee;

Thou, when thou return’st, wilt tell me
all warped wonders that erupted in thee,

And swear nowhere lives a tranny true and fair.

If thou find’st one, dingle my dangle

Such a pilgrimage were rad.

Yet do not; I would probably not go,

Though we might bump uglies next door.

Though she were hot when you met her,

At last when the beer wears off
and you see she’s nary wetter

Yet she will screw your bud,
ere you realize she’s a he.

Anyone done Donne?

Do you think love is more constant or ephemeral?  Lasting or transient? 

Ever had a transgender experience?

The original for your reading pleasure …

Go and catch a falling star by Johnny Donne

Go and catch a falling star,    

Get with child a mandrake root, 

Tell me where all past years are,    

Or who cleft the Devil’s foot;  

Teach me to hear mermaids singing,         

Or to keep off envy’s stinging, 

And find  what wind  serves to advance an honest mind.  

If thou be’st born to strange sights,  

Things invisible to see,  

Ride ten thousand days and nights    

Till Age snow white hairs on thee; 

Thou, when thou return’st, wilt tell me 
all strange wonders that befell thee,  

And swear nowhere  lives a woman true and fair.    

If thou find’st one, let me know;    

Such a pilgrimage were sweet.  

Yet do not; I would not go,

Though at next door we might meet. 

Though she were true when you met her,  

And last till you write your letter,          

Yet she  will be  false, ere I come, to two or three.

This is such an awesome poem.  I didn’t fully comprehend the depth of emotion when I read it in my youth.  It’s a poem you read several times and each time it reveals a bit more … skin. 

I used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, a Just War, Righteous Politicians, Clean Non-steroidal Sports Heroes, True Love and the fact that Lemmings commit mass suicide by following each other off a cliff. So you can imagine my chagrin, my horror and my utter surprise to learn that the whole ‘Lemmings metaphor’ which I had heretofore always used as a reference for people who go along unquestioningly with popular opinion with potentially dangerous or fatal consequences is, yep, you guessed it folks, a myth, a fabrication, a lie of mammalian proportions.

It all started in a 1954 National Geographic article which showed massive numbers of lemmings jumping over Norwegian cliffs and then in 1955, when Disney illustrator Carl Barks drew an Uncle Scrooge adventure comic with the title: The Lemming with the Locket. This nascent suicide myth was further propagated by Walt Disney documentary White Wilderness in 1958 which includes footage of lemmings migrating and running head-long over a ledge. An investigation in 1983 by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s Brian ‘the original mythbuster Vallee, showed that the Disney film makers faked the entire sequence using imported lemmings (bought on eBay I think), a snow covered turntable on which a few dozen lemmings were forced to run, and literally tossing the poor beasts into the sea to show the alleged suicides. This myth was also witnessed in a German film – The Little Polar Bear (think an evil Knute) – in which a group of despondent lemmings were frequently viewed jumping, swan diving and jack knifing off various ledges.

Now that the ‘lemming myth’ has been denuded I am devastated. Really. It is amazing how one domino in life invariably topples the next. And before you know it your entire world is crumbling around you. I mean, what’s next? Politicians found to be taking steroids? A clean presidential election? Love and peace breaking out in Iraq? I mean, how the heck will we now communicate the notion of ‘blindly following a crowd to an uncertain demise’.

I know! Not one to cry over spilt mammals milk, let’s propagate another folk tale to replace the ‘lemming myth’. Another more convoluted and realistic one perhaps. How about the ‘Bush Fairy Tale’: to describe by inference a whole nation following a sitting president into an unwise war and a mismanaged occupation which destroys the collective good will of the world while spending several trillion dollars driving the nation into recession. Or maybe the ‘Clemmons Legend’ or the corollary ‘Bonds Fable’ where good people follow the example of their sports heroes to shoot up with human growth hormone to gain that extra edge and lie about it unconscionably. Note: would recommend not lying to a grand jury as that kind of thing has a nasty way of coming back to bite you in the arse.

Well, I have yet to be stripped of all of my innocence. Thank god I still believe in True Love. The love of my life still instills incurable passion in my breast, a fire in my imagination and blows a veritable breath of vigor into my sheeted sails!

Who or what is the true love of which I speak?
Have you ever lied? To a grand jury? Details, please.
What is your prognosis for the upcoming presidential election – quaint and cordial or ugly and venal?