Blunt Wit

No I am not asking, faux gansta, what kind of car your drive or how you view the world at large. My question is more specific to your gender. How do you put the roll of toilet paper on the roller-thingy?
Do you put it on over …

Or under …

Apparently 98% of men ‘roll under’ or put the TP on such that you draw it out from underneath whereas 97% of women ‘roll over’ or put it on such that you yank it up and over the top.
So why do I bring up this weird bathroom detail?

Well in writing a story, an author builds up the characters by showing you, the reader, a string of seemingly inconsequential details that when taken together paint a portrait. Each action is like a brushstroke to a painting; every choice a character makes brings a scene on the canvas to life.

So I started to search for other telltale signs of gender and character and my highly empirical inquiry lead to the following discoveries
1. While in the laundry room the vast majority of males wash in only cold water, whereas the females will adjust the water temperature based on their mood.
2. In the kitchen most girls will follow the recipe as written, while most boys will just ‘wing it’.
3. In the bedroom the majority of women struggle unclasping their bra, whereas countless scientific studies have shown that men will get that same bra off in a fraction of the time.
4. And in the Den/TV room, men click on the remote ten times more than women.

So sometime I wonder if art really imitates life or if life itself follows from art. Who sees reality more clearly, those of who live life or those who interpret it through words, pictures or music?

So how do you roll (your toilet paper)?

Today I am unveiling a new classification system for individuals based on rigorous scientific study, deep spiritual contemplation and keen social observation. Everyone, and I mean everyone, falls into one of these two camps: Shirt People or Sock People.

This is serious, just hear me out. Sock people are one of a pair. They must find their match and be worn together. Shirt people, on the other hand, can easily go solo although they don’t mind being on top or bottom with another shirt as the case may be.

Sock people go their whole lives with a bad case of static cling. They find their match and, come hell or high water, stick to him or her. If they don’t wash after a couple of days they start to smell. On rare occasions, they come out of the dryer without their matching pair. It is one of those grand mysteries of life … where the other sock disappears off to. In fact there has been speculation of a mystical sock graveyard – akin to the mythical great elephant graveyard – where single socks go to die alone. They can be loud and garish, especially during holiday seasons, but are more naturally toned-down mono-chrome.

Shirt people are more solitary by nature. Give them an undershirt and they’re happy because the undershirt gets dirtier. They also don’t mind being covered by a jacket if it’s sexy or cool. But their natural state is just hanging out, chillin with their friends. They can be garish and loud or quiet and subdued. They can be pull-overs or all buttoned up. Oh, and they love to be ripped off if physical contact is involved.

So which are you … a sock person or a shirt person?