Blunt Wit

Have you ever been tongue tied, rendered mentally or emotionally vacant; found yourself searching, praying for an excuse for your own insouciance?
Well, I have.
And to assist you in coming up with that ‘just so’ pretext for any transgression, big or small, I have decided to give up a few of my exculpatory gems for your general use.
Behind this veritable curtain of charitable largesse lies no small amount of guilt at my lack of blogging consistency these past few weeks. I have been AWOL, MIA, and unplugged from the world at large. You might think I ran off to some distant ashram. And you might be right. I wouldn’t want to misdirect any rationalizations you might be self-generating, imagining if you will, in your fertile imagination.
Truth be told, I was …
1. Abducted by aliens.

This is good because it is generally unprovable and establishes you as bit of a nut job. Once you establish this precedent you can use it over and over with relative impunity. The downside is you lose valuable street cred as a responsible human being.

2. Receiving a guided tour of Gitmo.

If my name, Joe Blow (note, changed here to protect my true identity), makes the terrorist watch list (which sadly, it does) then you can easily claim that yours does too. This way any random airport screening or innocent traffic infraction can result in a special rendition where are whisked off the sunny Cuba for a ‘debriefing’. In this day and age who would not believe you had your basic rights trampled in the name of the GWOT.

3. In a drug (or alcohol) induced fog.

Use this when life has dragged you into the gutter and your only coping mechanism is chemically induced euphoria. Think of it as the excuse of movie stars! You can further imply that you went to some faraway ‘treatment center’ and got all better. The beauty of this one is the well documented relapse.
So I hope you find my excuses valuable. Remember, two wrongs don’t ever make a right, but they make a damn good excuse.

What’s your best excuse? Did it work?
Have you ever been abducted by aliens, whisked to Gitmo, or lost to a chemical fog before?

Reacting quickly to the news that Bob Barr, once firebrand Georgian Republican, is running for President as the Libertarian candidate, the GOP has taken drastic measures and contracted Karl Rove to put together an exploratory committee for a Barak Obama run for President. The GOP brain trust has begun to worry that the Barr candidacy will split the vote for John McCain thus possibly costing him the upcoming Presidential election. So under the leadership of Rove, they are working to put Barak Obama on the ticket as the Freedom Party candidate. Note, Barak Obama bears no relation to presumptive Democratic presidential candidate, Barack Obama.

The freedom party is indirectly related to the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and on paper is a legitimate political party with the right to run a candidate in the upcoming Presidential election. Barak Obama is the new name that actor Ezekiel Frankel, who played the erstwhile Obama on last week’s Saturday Night Live political sketch, has recently adopted legally. Apparently his fiery rhetorical message of hope and change had a powerful effect on political consultant Karl Rove, who incidentally was responsible for the whisper campaign started during the 2000 Presidential primary in South Carolina that Bridget, the young girl that John McCain and his wife Cindy had adopted from Mother Theresa’s orphanage in Bangladesh, was, in fact, an illegitimate African American ‘love-child’ that subsequently derailed the McCain candidacy.

It is widely believed that Rove intends to dupe a gullible United States populace into splitting the vote between the two Obama’s as it has been proven that the average American can’t spell. Unofficial word from the Obama campaign suggests that there may yet be another candidate, Jon McCain, gumming up the field of the upcoming Presidential election.

So they say a Libertarian is a Republican with a bong. Would you consider yourself a donkey, an elephant or a bong?
I’m so not looking forward the shrill negativity that precedes any US Presidential election. Can someone wake me on November 5th. Is there anything redeemable about presidential elections?

According to well placed Republican sources, Sasha and Malia,

the daughters of Democratic presumptive nominee Barack Obama have formed a nascent political group entitled “Swift Kids for Truth.” They are charging that the Presidential hopeful is unfit to serve as President based upon his alleged willful distortion of his conduct as father during their short lives.

Barack Obama has built his entire campaign around his openness to change. He stands tall as the candidate who embraces positive transformation in the grubby, attack-minded politics that pervades Washington. In public he welcomes dissent as healthy expression of personal values. At home, however, he is a virtual tyrant according to his daughters.

He doesn’t allow them to watch TV past 10pm causing serious mental distress. He also refuses to buy them their favorite Jamba Juice smoothies upon request resulting in severe dehydration. Young minds need liquid refreshment to grow strong and agile. His willful disregard for the wellbeing of his own daughters is finally being exposed thus challenging his qualifications as President.

Sasha, as chief spokeskid for SKFT, has stated that Barack Obama’s exaggerated claims about his own service as father has compelled her to step forward. She further elaborated that his criticism of fathers was a “betrayal of trust” with other kids, and that by his activism he had caused direct “harm” to all kids living at home.

Washington insiders seem to discount the activities of SKFT noting that by grounding his daughters indefinitely Barack Obama could effectively curtail the group’s effectiveness.

So I got to cogitating the other day about blogs and blogging. I realized this phenomenon has become more than just a passing fad. I tried to distill the greatest benefits of blogging to mankind in my own mind. I got it down to two lofty contributions.

First, blogging rights the wrongs in society and makes the world a better, happier, and most of all, safer place. By the miracle of technology, bloggers transform into enlightened gadflies to the refuse of society. They make paparazzi look noble. I mean, I know fer sure that I am so much better off seeing that Britney’s pet cocker spaniel “Longfellow” threw up on her Manolos.

The other key benefit to blogging is commerce. Sites like eBay and Craigslist simply just don’t cut it – too big and impersonal. Bloggers, on the other hand, build quaint havens away from the crowds. Like little virtual corner stores of old. They have the distinct advantage of knowing their audience and their most intimate desires.

For instance, I know many of you are car buffs and thus I have decided to present you with a unique opportunity to buy my car.

This ’65 Chevy is a beaut.

I bought this screamer from a Grandmother who only used it to drive to church on Sundays so very low mileage. She runs great! And since windshield and windows are missing no need for air conditioning which just lowers your gas mileage anyway. I’m listing her for $999 but am willing to negotiate.

So tell me, what do you see as the biggest benefits of blogging?

Today I am unveiling a new classification system for individuals based on rigorous scientific study, deep spiritual contemplation and keen social observation. Everyone, and I mean everyone, falls into one of these two camps: Shirt People or Sock People.

This is serious, just hear me out. Sock people are one of a pair. They must find their match and be worn together. Shirt people, on the other hand, can easily go solo although they don’t mind being on top or bottom with another shirt as the case may be.

Sock people go their whole lives with a bad case of static cling. They find their match and, come hell or high water, stick to him or her. If they don’t wash after a couple of days they start to smell. On rare occasions, they come out of the dryer without their matching pair. It is one of those grand mysteries of life … where the other sock disappears off to. In fact there has been speculation of a mystical sock graveyard – akin to the mythical great elephant graveyard – where single socks go to die alone. They can be loud and garish, especially during holiday seasons, but are more naturally toned-down mono-chrome.

Shirt people are more solitary by nature. Give them an undershirt and they’re happy because the undershirt gets dirtier. They also don’t mind being covered by a jacket if it’s sexy or cool. But their natural state is just hanging out, chillin with their friends. They can be garish and loud or quiet and subdued. They can be pull-overs or all buttoned up. Oh, and they love to be ripped off if physical contact is involved.

So which are you … a sock person or a shirt person?

This idea came to me the other night as I was serving Cheerios to my kids for dinner. You see being a blogger and an entrepreneur setting out to change the world you sometimes miss those simple pleasures in your life. Like food. Thereupon it hit me. Why not blog for food.

Don’t dismiss my idea out of hand. First hear me out.

Let’s say you’ve wracked your brain and can’t think of that just-so gift for your daughter’s (posit wife, husband or significant other as the case may be) impending birthday. Why not give her a personalized Blog? Just send me her vital stats: is she fat or thin, neurotic or normal, blonde or brunette, cat or dog person, etc.? And I will then write the best damn Blog about (or for) her. Think of what this will do for her self-esteem. I bet she’ll be the talk of the town and even more popular amongst her friends.

Or, let’s say you’re fed up with your ex and you want a scathing expose of all his or her faults. Just send me the laundry list and I’ll concoct a lethal mix of half truths and innuendo that would make our erstwhile, randy former President Clinton or even Lindsay Lohan blush.

And if you just happen to be a corporate bigwig reading this, well, I can help you too! I personally believe one can never have too many ring-tones, washing machines or whatever the heck you’re peddling. You just tell me what product you’re foisting onto the unsuspecting public and I will plug it shamelessly.

The quo to my quid is quite simple. I will send you the logon info for my Safeway.com* account. Then, much like a bridal registry you go in and select the quantities of the food I have pre-selected as my favorites and have them delivered to my home. Kind of like dropping a few coins into an indigent pan handler’s cup. Except with the added benefit that you never have to look into my eyes. Easy peasy.

What do you think?

*The local supermarket akin to Krogers, A&P, Piggly Wiggly, Tom Thumb, Star Market, etc.