Blunt Wit

So being a previous big-time, high-falutin executive and serial entrepreneur (not to be confused with serial killer) I know a thing or two about managing through tough times. So as we find ourselves swirling in the vortex of uncertain economic waters, I thought, “Why not share a few crumbs of knowledge, insight and wisdom as to thriving in chaotic times to a hungry crowd such as you.”

So whether you are CEO of Exxon, getting bloated on the pain and suffering of others, or just your own family, when the economy tanks you must learn to adapt. The first thing to do is to tighten your belt. Reduce your burn. Cut expenses:

1. As any good manager knows 70% of expenses are in headcount. So, if you’ve got a child under the age of 18 you can drop them off, permanently, at any Nebraska hospital under that state’s ‘safe haven’ law. This will vastly reduce your current and future outlays of cash. Just think, you can now use little Johnnie or Janie’s college fund to buy beer and a new widescreen to help you weather these turbulent times. Ah, and Greyhound even offers reduced one-way child fares direct to NE hospitals.
2. If you’ve got a mortgage don’t pay it. Live off the largesse of the US Gov’t teet. Nowadays Uncle Sam is altogether too squeamish about evicting folks so why be a patsy and pay your mortgage in full, on time. Just hold out for more favorable terms and reduce your debt burden away.
3. Visit the animal shelter often and cook more at home. Notice I’m not directly suggesting you fricassee Fido or parboil Pus’n’boots although they are excellent sources of protein for growing boys and girls. Just say it’s chicken if asked.
4. Visit your local hospital trash bin and pick up a pair of scrubs today. They come in all sorts of vibrant colors and can be worn around town. Just think of the inflated prestige you will feel as passers-by mistake you for a doctor.

So besides cutting your burn, the other sure-fire way to survive a recession is to create extra sources of income:

5. Convenience store robberies, while a bit risky, can help augment your funds. You need only a puffy jacket under which to fabricate a gun. Just pray the owner is not packing heat. And even if you subsequently get caught the resulting footage on Youtube might give you instant notoriety that you could easily translate into a talk show appearance (and cold hard cash).
6. If, like Sarah Palin, you have any kids around 18 years old you could ship them off to Iraq and pocket their monthly allowance. This has the added benefit of (1) above.
7. Pan handling is another way to make Starbucks money. Just hang out on a busy street corner and look pathetic. Badger passers-by incessantly until they drop loose change into your tin cup. Throw your vaunted pride out the window, it’s a recession silly.

Anyway, I hope you find these tips helpful. This recession, unlike previous ones, looks to be around for a while so I figure if at first you’re not convinced, you will be back!

Can you think of any other helpful family tips to help weather a recession?
How long do you think tough times will hang around?

Some days I hanker for simpler existence. You know, a life afloat in a sea of middle class ennui, unmoored ambitions, and Starbucks iced tea. Do you?

Yet for some cosmic unknown reason, I’m a magnet for high drama and complication. I can mutate the most innocuous of situations into danger and intrigue.

Take my recent road trip to the Tarheel state for instance. That day the sky had the distinct look of the opening sequence of the Simpsons: whipped cream fluffs of clouds dappling a sky blue horizon. Fall hung lightly in the air, the ups and downs of hilly trees lining I-40 all acrispining golden hues, fiery reds and chocolate browns.

We were all lulled into a false sense of happiness. Little did we know what awaited us over the next hill, the upcoming dale? Maybe we should have paid attention to the signs. First there was an exit for Batcave, NC. Is there a Gotham City in North Carolina? Anyway, I began to feel like God was a messin with me cause the next exit was Mocksville.

Shortly thereafter we rolled into the Piedmont Triad area. I always knew China had a big issue with organized crime but never considered they were a pernicious problem here in the U.S., especially in rural North Carolina. Next we came upon the Yakin Pee-Dee river basin and I got an unnatural urge to talk and pee at the same time.

Then I noticed a tan expedition bearing down on us ominously. I clipped along at a healthy 74 explaining the ten mph rule to my daughter, “Just so long as you keep at nine miles per hour under the speed limit you’ll never be caught.” She was the first to notice the SUV passing us was an unmarked police car. So there began a dangerous game of cat and mouse.

On moment slick willy copper was ahead of me.

The next I would find myself unconsciously accelerating past 75 and he would come roaring up from behind causing me to hit the brakes setting off red brake lights of guilt and shame.

Just then we passed a truck that had “To walk on water you have to jump out of the boat” stenciled on it’s side. This just fed into my growing sense of invincibility. Distracted by a fascinating story on NPR about ‘sex lives of sloths’ I nonchalantly passed 80mph. The next thing I knew lights were aflashin on the damnable tan expedition behind me. I started to move over conceding abject defeat. And he just roared past me. Thank God for small mercies.

So have you ever been pulled over for speeding?
Do you ever hanker for a simpler existence?
Ever traveled on I-40? Ever notice they are endlessly fixing that damnable road?

I’ve come across several characters recently and had been struggling mightily to figure the impetus to write them up in a blog when my daughter came along and sparked my imagination. I’ve long since learned to take fickle inspiration whenever and wherever she strikes.

So I had dropped my daughter and her friend Jessica of at the watering hole. And by that I mean the lake and not the local dive bar. They were there just long enough for me to drive the ten minutes back into town when she called.
“Can you come pick us up?”
“What? I just dropped you off.”
“Yeah but the beach is covered in goose poop and the entire place is crawling with sketchy characters.”

I imagined a prison break and all the escaped inmates frolicking in puddles of grey-green goose droppings. Then the image in my mind morphed into Bill, the friendly neighborhood lunatic and The Walker, the Forrest Gumpian older gentleman with the flowing white beard that pops up power-walking all over town. Maybe they were the ones harassing her and swimming with the minnows out at the lake.

Normally, Bill can be heard slurping on a small coffee while amply filling out one of the wide chairs in the corner of Starbucks. He talks to himself incessantly and on rare occasion to the other patrons. But mostly he burps. Not ‘excuse me’-one-off burps, no, he averages a good solid five burps a minute. Kind of like a symphony of digestive genius.

In between burps, he also carries on rather interesting conversations with himself. I must admit to eavesdropping on occasion. While sometimes the topics range into the absurd, at other times, he scores good points in an intellectual debate with himself.

The Walker, on the other hand, is all over. It’s almost as if there he has four identical twin Santa Clause brothers ambulating all over town. He is everywhere. I see him traipsing resolutely by the hospital one moment and in front of Long John Silver’s the next. He always looks straight ahead, arms pumping forward, legs churning. Like a vagabond postman, he walks rain or shine (though I’ve yet to verify him in sleet). His long flowing silver beard hangs down over the same sweat encrusted white t-shirt.

I often wonder what motivates him. What drives him pace after pace? Is he running away from something or perhaps towards something, some destiny perhaps? Or does he simply walk for walkings sake?

Have you run across any sketchy characters of late? Care to expound?