Blunt Wit

Another in the ongoing blog series of household appliances gone awry …

I felt strangish from the moment the first light of morning woke me from a mildly unfitful sleep. I made my way down, bumping somewhat bleary-eyed into the kitchen and straight for the coffee maker. As usual I had set everything up the night before so all it took was a ginger press of a lone button and soon the soothing drip and savory smell of coffee was filling the room.

I took an English muffin out of the package, broke in two and slid the halves into the toaster. You know, one of those silver, rounded faux friendly looking devices that produces oh so heavenly toast when you pull down the manly black lever.

I poured myself a grailful of holy water /coffee and slurped a hot mouthful. I took the knife out the drawer and began cutting an apple to put into my Greek style yogurt to partner with the English muffin. Making it what? A Greeklish breakfast?

I slid on my slippers and headed out to get the morning paper. Upon returning I smelled smoke!

Rushing to the kitchen I found the toaster burning my muffins mercilessly. I tried forcing the black lever up to free my poor, enkindled muffs but it would not lift as if some unnatural force were holding it down. Smoke billowed uncontrollably and flames licked up the sides of the toaster.

Suddenly awakened, the fire alarm began a high pitched squealing. I grabbed a fork and pulled the flaming muffins out and doused them with water while simultaneously trying to cover my ears. Soon thereafter I tossed the cool retro looking silver toaster into the trash and took up eating a safer breakfast … cereal.

Why, I have to ask myself, do these appliances have it out for me?

So my question for today is … Do you have any morning rituals – must have coffee, morning paper, specific breakfast, exercise regimen, or sacrificing a small goat, etc.?